Electrons:

Two electron convicts are sitting in a jail cell together.

The first one says, "What are you in for?"

The second one says, "For attempting a forbidden transition."

Ions:

Iam Positive:

Version 1

Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says, "Oh,

no! I think I'm an ion!"

The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"

"Yes, I'm positive!"

Version 2

A hydrogen atom came running into a police station asking for help....

Hydrogen atom: Someone just stole my electron!!

Policeman: Are you sure?

Hydrogen atom: Yes, I'm positive

policeman: Oh, I thought you were just being negative again.

Version 3

Two sodium atoms are flying around a cyclotron. Suddenly the first atom; said to the second, `Hey, I think I've just lost an electron.'; `Are you sure?' asked the second atom.; `Yeah,' said the first, `I'm positive.'; Of course, the real joke is that neither sodium atom could have been; flying around the cyclotron in the first place, unless they were already; ionized.

Administratum:

Physicists at Harwell have discovered the heaviest element known to science, named Administratum. The new element has no protons or electrons, and has an atomic number of zero. However, it does have one neutron, eight assistant neutrons, ten executive neutrons, 35 vice neutrons and 258 assistant vice neutrons.

Administratum has an atomic mass of 311.5, since the neutron is only detectable half of the time. Its 312 particles are held together by a force which involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles, called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratum is completely inert. Nevertheless, its presence can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. One experiment, which should have lasted only a few days, is still running after 2 years due to the addition of just one milligram of Administratum.

It is weakly active, and has a normal half-life of approximately six months. After this time, it does not actually decay, but undergoes a metamorphosis in which assistant neutrons, executive neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. This almost invariably leads to an increase in atomic weight, hence it is self-sustaining.

Although it occurs widely, Administratum tends to concentrate around large corporations, research laboratories and government departments. It can especially be found in recently re-organised sites, and there is reason to believe that it is heavily involved in the processes of deforestation and global warming.

It should be remembered that Administratum is known to be toxic at all concentrations, and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Numerous attempts have been made to determine how Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Addendum 1:

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Addendum 2:

One major problem is that proximity to this substance tends to make the process of getting anything done (such as getting grant money) more time-consuming, which makes the experiments in question extremely time-consuming.

The Barometer Physics Exam Question:

Version 1:

"You are given an accurate barometer, how would you use it to determine the height of a skyscraper ?"

He answered: "Go to the top floor, tie a long piece of string to the barometer, let it down 'till it touches the ground and measure the length of the string".; The examiner wasn't satisfied, so they decided to interview the guy:; "Can you give us another method, one which demonstrates your knowledge of Physics ?"; "Sure, go to the top floor, drop the barometer off, and measure how long before it hits the ground......"; "Not, quite what we wanted, care to try again ?"; "Make a pendulum of the barometer, measure its period at the bottom, then measure its period at the top......"; "..another try ?...."; "Measure the length of the barometer, then mount it vertically on the ground on a sunny day and measure its shadow, measure the shadow of the skyscraper....."; "....and again ?...."; "walk up the stairs and use the barometer as a ruler to measure the height of the walls in the stairwells."; "...One more try ?"; "Find where the janitor lives, knock on his door and say 'Please, Mr Janitor, if I give you this nice Barometer, will you tell me the height of this building ?"

Version 2

Uh ... I may be off base here, but my understanding of the original poster's question was that he or she was looking for some sort of canonical list of responses to the question, "How does one measure the height of a building with a barometer?"; There is an apocryphal story about a science professor who asked this question, looking for the "measure the air pressure at the top, etc. ..." solution. But some smart-ass student offered one or more other alternatives, such as ...; Drop the barometer from the top floor and measure the time it takes to hit the ground.; Offer the barometer to the building owner in return for him telling you the height (already mentioned in this thread).; Tie a long cable to the barometer and lower it from the top of the building to the ground, and then measure the length of the cable.
: Use a barometer to reflect a laser beam from the top and measure the travel time.; Track the shadow of the building posisioning a barometer on the ground every hour.; Create an explosion on the top and measure the time for the pressure depression indicated on the barometer.; I think it would be simpler to let down a lightly weighted fishing line, mark it, reel it back and measure it at leisure.; For fun, how about using sound; fire a starting pistol at the bottom, time the difference of arrival at the top. About a second for the Empire State building, and of course it'd have to be a damn great gun to carry over the howl and screech of downtown Gotham. Also, the detonation might get confused with the sounds of routine crack dealing below.

Version 3:

In response to some question regarding "correct" methods of obtaining an answer, one of my proffs rattled off the following anecdote:

Three students are given a barometer and told to determine the height of the clocktower (building at OU).

The first student goes to the clock tower and takes two pressure readings; one at the top of the tower and one at the bottom of the tower. Then, based on the pressure differential derrives the correct height.

The second student grabs a stopwatch and the barometer and climbs to the top of the tower. He throws the barometer off and times how long it takes to hit the ground. He too derrives the correct height.

The third student takes the baromter to the Physical Plant (folks who do all maintanence around here) and says to the janitor, "Hey, I'll give you this cool barometer if you let me see the blueprints to the clocktower."

Entropy:

Entropy isn't what it used to be...

Sun and Moon:

Question: What is more useful: the sun or the moon?

Answer: The moon, because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the sun shines during the day when you don't need it.

Disappearing Socks:

Version 1:

Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of getting lost, and why humans always end up with large collections of unmatched odd socks. One school of thought says that socks are very antisocial creatures, and have a deep sense of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same design have feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found nestling up to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock).

On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a generalised exclusion principle --- it is impossible for two socks to be in the same eigen-state, and when it's in danger of happening, one of the socks has to vanish. Indeed the Uncertainty Principle also comes in --- the only time you know where a sock is, is when you're wearing it, and hence unable to be sure exactly how fast it's moving. The moment you stop moving and look at your sock, it then starts falling to pieces, changing colour, or otherwise becoming indeterminate. Either way, socks may possess Colour and Strangeness, but they seem to lack Charm.

Version 2:

Theories about disappearing socks--the two you cited are wrong. It has long been known that the sock is the larval form of the coat hanger.

THE SEX LIFE OF AN ELECTRON (with unhappy ending)

One night when his charge was at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute little coil to discharge him. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the wheat stone bridge, around the sine wave, and into the magnetic field next to the flowing current.

Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curve, soon had her field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". With his tube at maximum output and her coil vibrating from the current flow, her shunt soon reached maximum heat. The excessive current had shorted her shunt, and Micro's capacity was rapidly discharged, and every electron was drained off. They fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet had lost all of its strength, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they ended up reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.

THE SEX LIFE OF AN ELECTRON ( with happy ending)

One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad went to see if he could find a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli Amp, and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode accross the wheatstone bridge, along the sine wave and stopped at a magnetic field flowing with current. Micro Farad soon had her resistance at a minimum level. They laid against ground level. Micro Farad then inserted his probe in Milli Amps socket. Mho, Mho, give me Mho, she said. They fluxed all night, trying out various connections. Afterwards Milli Amp tried self-induction and damaged her probe. After this, they went home and oscillated happily ever after.

Thermodynamics

Three Laws of Thermodynamics (paraphrased):

First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.; Second Law: The most you can accomplish by work is to break even.; Third Law: You can't break even.

Ginsberg's Theorem (The modern statement of the three laws of thermodynamics)

1. You can't win.

2. You can't even break even.

3. You can't get out of the game.

4. THE LAW OF ENTROPY: The perversity of the universe tends towards a maximum.

"Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's Theorem:

"Every majoy philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem.

To wit:

"1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.

"2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.

"3. Mysticism is based on the assmuption that you can quit the game."

Parodies of the laws of thermodynamics, in a science text book.

1. You can't win, you can only break even.

2. You can only break even at absolute zero.

3. You can never reach absolute zero.

PhD Final Exam:

A promising PhD candidate was presenting his thesis at his final examination. He proceeded with a derivation and ended up with something like:

F = -MA

He was embarrassed, his supervising professor was embarrassed, and the rest of the committee was embarrassed. The student coughed nervously and said "I seem to have made a slight error back there somewhere."

One of the mathematicians on the committee replied dryly, "Either that or an odd number of them!"

Quantum Mechanics:

"Quantum mechanics, hmmm. You put a cat in a box, along with a hammer and some poison and a radioactive isotope ... I forget exactly how this goes. Anyway, keep some bandages on hand, because I guarantee the cat won't be happy."; A probability is a desperate attempt of chaos to become stable.; Heisenberg might have slept here.; Schroedinger's Vet: Specializing in gassed cats and monkeys with Carpal-tunnel syndrome.

: "Wanted, dead or alive : Schroedinger's cat."

Science and God:

Black Holes are where God is dividing by zero

Heaben is Hotter than Hell:

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.

-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? (Spy Magazine, January 1990)

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Canonical List Of Holiday Humor:

Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals, then it's only a small step to the rest.

1) As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I

would agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.

2) You've relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have assumed

a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or

Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie neighbourhoods, have probably less

than the average (and don't forget the DINK and SINK homes (Double Income

No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while the families with 748 starving

children that they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket

would skew that 15% of homes down a few percent.

3) You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least

one good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend

to have more than their share of good kids, and other homes have nothing

except terrorists in diapers? Let's drop that number of homes down a few

more percent.

4) Santa would have to Fedex a number of packages ahead of time, since he

would not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into tower-controlled areas

near airports. He's get shot at over certain sections of the Middle East, and

the no-fly zones in Iraq, so he'd probably use DHL there. Subtract some more

homes.

5) I just barely passed Physics and only read Stephen Hawking's book

once, but I recall that there is some Einsteinian Theory that says time

does strange things as you move faster. In fact, when you go faster than

the speed of light time runs backward, if you do a straight line

projection, connect the dots and just ignore any singularity you might find

right at the speed of light. And don't say you can't go faster than the

speed of light because I've seen it done on TV. Jean-Luc doesn't have

reindeer but he does have matter-antimatter warp engines and a holodeck and

that's good enough for me.

So Santa could go faster than light, visit all the good children which

are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by

number of children per household, and get home before he left so he can

digest all those stale cookies and warm milk yech.

6) Aha, you say, Jean-Luc has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa only

has reindeer, where does he get the power to move that fast!

You calculated the answer! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3

quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of

energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc, that would be required of the

loaded sleigh. The reindeer don't evaporate or incinerate because of this

energy, they accelerate. What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over

females? Think of antlers as furry solar array panels.

7) If that's not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o'clock. NORAD

(which may be one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials

in it's name and therefore it must be more trustworthy than the rest)

tracks Santa every year and I've seen the radar shots of him approaching my

house from the direction of the North Pole. They haven't bombarded him yet,

so they must believe too, right?

Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish "study."

1) Flying reindeer: As is widely known (due to the excellent historical

documentary "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," the flying reindeer are not a

previously unknown species of reindeer, but were in fact given the power of

flight due to eating magic acorns. As is conclusively proven in "Rudolph

the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (a no punches pulled look at life in Santa's

village), this ability has bred true in subsequent generations of reindeer,

obviously the magic acorns imprinted their power on a dominant gene

sequence within the reindeer DNA strand.

2) Number of households: This figure overlooks two key facts. First of

all, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches,

centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome.

This occurred prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The

Eastern churches (currently called Orthodox Churches) do not recognize the

Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is as a

result several days after the Western Churches'. Santa gets two shots at

delivering toys.

Secondly, the figure of 3.5 children per household is based on the gross

demographic average, which includes households with no children at all. The

number of children per household, when figured as an average for households

with children, would therefore have to be adjusted upward. Also, the

largest single Christian denomination is Roman Catholic, who, as we all

know, breed like rabbits. If you don't believe me, ask my four brothers and

two sisters, they'll back me up. Due to the predominance of Catholics

within Christian households, the total number of households containing

Christian children would have to be adjusted downward to reflect the

overloading of Catholics beyond a standard deviation from the median.

Also, the assertion that each home would contain at least one good child

would be reasonable enough if there were in fact an even 3.5 children per

household. However, since the number of children per household is

distributed integrally, there are a significant number (on the order of

several million) of one child Christian households. Even though only

children are notoriously spoiled and therefore disproportionately inclined

towards being naughty, since it's the holidays we'll be generous and give

them a fifty-fifty chance of being nice. This removes one half of the

single child households from Santa's delivery schedule, which has already

been reduced by the removal of the Orthodox households from the first

delivery run.

3) Santa's delivery run (speed, payload, etc.): These all suffer from the

dubious supposition that there is only one Santa Claus. The name "Santa" is

obviously either Spanish or Italian, two ethnic groups which are both

overwhelmingly Catholic. The last name Claus suggests a joint German/Italian

background. His beginnings, battling the Burgermeister Meisterburger, suggest

he grew up in Bavaria (also predominantly Catholic). The Kaiser style helmets

of the Burgermeister's guards, coupled with the relative isolation of the

village, suggest that his youth was at the very beginning of Prussian influence

in Germany. Thus, Santa and Mrs. Claus have been together for well over one

hundred years. If you think that after a hundred years of living at the North

Pole with nights six months long that they remain childless, you either don't

know Catholics or are unaware of the failure rate of the rhythm method. There

have therefore been over five generations of Clauses, breeding like Catholics

for over one hundred years. Since they are Catholic, their exponential

population increase would obviously have a gain higher than the world

population as a whole. There have therefore been more than enough new Santas to

overcome the population increase of the world. So in fact, Santa has an easier

time of it now than he did when he first started out.

Santa dead, indeed; some people will twist any statistic to "prove" their

cynical theory.

Yet another rebuttal:

5) That's nonsense. I repeated the calculation, and the correct figure is

17,500.03 times gravity. How can we place belief when such an implausibly

high figure is accepted! The entire concept is obviously deeply flawed and

arises from incorrect method!

Besides, Santa simply realizes all of his alternate quantum states at once.Everybody knows that.

Richard Feynman:

One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.

"The next question was - what makes planets go around the sun? At the time

of Kepler some people answered this problem by saying that there were

angels behind them beating their wings and pushing the planets around an

orbit. As you will see, the answer is not very far from the truth. The

only difference is that the angels sit in a different direction and their

wings push inward."

-Richard Feynman _Character Of Physical Law_, p.

I love only nature, and I hate mathematicians. - Richard Feynman (1918-1988)

Physicists like to think that all you have to do is say, these are the conditions, now what happens next?

What I am going to tell you about is what we teach our physics students in the third or fourth year of graduate school... It is my task to convince you not to turn away because you don't understand it. You see my physics students don't understand it... That is because I don't understand it. Nobody does.

Feynman, Richard P. (1918-1988) b. Far Rockaway, New York; Richard P. Feynman, QED, The Strange Theory of Light and Matter, Penguin; Books, London, 1990, p 9. (1)

Relativity:

The second world war is the best demonstration of relativity...

The high energy density variations of vacuum are mainly produced within

brains.

The Physicist : "The positron will be dramatically modified by meeting anelectron"

The President : "You said ... position and ... election ??"

Q: How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb.

A: Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.

Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.

(Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)

Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.

Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?

A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.

Q: What is a tachyon?

A: A sub-atomic particle devoid of good taste.

Albert Einstein:

Albert Einstein had been working on his theory of relativity a lot; and he was just about finished. He was almost ready to publish his work.; However, he was under a lot of stress so he thought he would go on vacation; to Mexico.; Albert had a glorious two week vacation and was having the time of his; life. On the last night he was staying there he decided to take a walk along; the beach and watch the sunset.; As he watched the sun go down he thought of the light of the sun and; then the speed of light. You see, he had been using the speed of light in a; lot of his calculations but he didn't decided on what symbol to use for it.; Greek had been so overused.; Just at that moment Senior Wensez was also walking along the beach in; the opposite direction. Albert caught him out of the corner of his eye and; remarked suddenly, "Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is very fast?"; Senior Wensez paused for a moment and replied, "Si."

: "Gravitation can not be held resposible for people falling in love"
: When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that; he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With; sticks and stones!; "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.; Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.; THAT'S relativity."; Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.; If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.; Einstein, Albert (1879-1955) *; Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.; _Science, Philosophy and Religion: a Symposium_ (1941) ch. 13

Doing IT!

Heisenberg was never sure whether or not he did it.

Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.

Quantum theorists do it in tiny tiny pieces.

Quantum theorists do it uncertainly.

Spectroscopists do it until it hertz.

Spectroscopists do it with frequency and intensity.

Werner Heisenberg:

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken wason, but it was moving very fast.
: Historians have concluded that W.Heisenberg must have been contemplating his love life when he discovered the Uncertainty Principle:; -When he had the time,he didn't have the energy; and,; -When the moment was right,he couldn't figure out the position...

Newton:

1) Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

2) It was pushed on the road.

3) It was pushed on the road by another chicken, which went away from the road.

4) It was attracted to a chicken on the other side of the road.

Wolfgang Pauli:

There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

: In Dec 1989 Physics Today ,page 9, David Gross wrote "...One of the best of the many Pauli jokes tells of Pauli's arriving in Heaven and being given, as befits a theoretical physicist, an appointment with God. When granted the customary free wish, he requests that God explain to him why the value of the fine-structure constant, alpha = e^2/(hbar*c), which measures the strength of the electric force, is 0.00729735 .... God goes to the blackboards and starts to write furiously. Pauli watches with pleasure but soon starts shaking his head violently...."

Useful Department Party One-Liners:

Plasma is another matter.

Interstellar Matter is a Gas

It's worse than that, it's physics, Jim!

"Apple" (c) 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve

"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.

"The faster you go, the shorter you are" - Einstein

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

And God said: E = +mv} - Ze}/r ...and there *WAS* light!

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Black Holes are Out of Sight

Black Holes were created when God divided by zero!

Black holes really suck...

The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest

The Hubbell works fine; all that stuff IS blurry!

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Gravity: Not just a good idea...it's the LAW.

How many weeks are there in a light year?

Jet Engine Theory -Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow!

Power corrupts, but we need electricity.

Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm)

Supernovae are a Blast

Safety Signs:

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

Genie Jokes:

Version 1:

A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers a ancient

looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a

towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The

physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle

East and tells the genie, "I wish you to bring peace in this region".

After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, "Gee, there are

lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other

places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but

I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too

much for me".

Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, "I wish that the Princton

tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even."

After another deliberation the genie asks, "Could I see that map again?"

The Mole

Got mole problems? Call Advogadro at 602-1023.

Furgeson and the Unified Field Theory

In the beginning there was Aristotle

And objects at rest tended to remain at rest

And objects in motion tended to come to rest

And God saw that it was boring, although very restful.

Then God created Newton

And objects at rest tended to remain at rest

And objects in motion tended to remain in motion

And energy was conserved, and momentum was conserved,

And matter was conserved

And God saw that it was conservative.

Then God created Einstein

And everything was relative

And fast things became short

And straight things became curved

And the universe was filled with inertial frames

And God saw that it was relatively general

but some of it was especially relative.

Then God created Bohr

And there was the principle

And the principle was quantum

And all things were quantified

But some things were still relative

And God saw that it was confusing.

Then God was going to create Furgeson

And Furgeson would have unified

And he would have fielded a theory

And all would have been one.

But it was the seventh day

And God rested

And objects at rest tend to remain at rest.

IN CASE YOU THOUGHT THAT WE KNEW EVERYTHING AND THE REST WAS JUST DETAILS

1. In the beginning there was nothing, then something went wrong.[Murphy's

Law]

2. The empty set contains and is contained within all other

sets.[Fibonacci's Rule]

3. Universe has no plural.

4. Space is nothing.

5. Time is an abstraction.

6. Energy is the opposite of mass.

7. Energy is not effected by gravity.

8. In order for two points to exist, a third point must exist between them.

9. Less than enough is not sufficient, more than enough is not necessary.

10.Enough is a finite quantity.

11.That which has been done is not impossible.

12.Pythagoras trisected an angle.

13.Mathematics is a set of languages providing different ways to describe

reality.

14.Statistical norms are not real integers even when they are whole

numbers.

15.A line representing a continuous function contains no discrete elements.

16.A "Field" is a continuous static structure extending to infinity.

17."Field Lines" are mathmatical constructs having no existence.

18.Reality is what it is irrespective of description.

19.Ptolomy was believed because his math was correct and it worked.

20.The "Plane of the Elliptic" is perpendicular to and centered upon the

Barycenter of the Solar System (or any other system).

21.All orbits are planes of ecliptic.

22.The eccentricity of an orbit is proportional to the deviation from the

perpendicular to the path of the center of mass. [Kepler's 4th Law]

23.The Earth does not revolve around the Sun, the Sun and the Earth revolve

around the center of mass.

24.There is no error in the orbit of Mercury.

25.A measured value is the sum of its contributing elements.

26.The specific computed values of the elements do not change the measured

sum.

27.The measured gravity of the Sun was the same after Einstein as before.

28.The bending of light observed near a star is thermal reflection, a

mirage.

29.Velocity is measured at two different times, not on two different

objects.

30.A zero based measurement is required to know the value of measured

variables.

31.The "Aberration of Light" is the same in a column of water as it is in a

column of air.

32. The velocity of light is constant in all media.

33. The aberration of light is a measure of the Earth's absolute velocity.

34. Light is a spherical wave containing no particles.

35. The outside of a wave has more degrees of freedom than the middle, the

inside has fewer.

36. As a wave expands outward from its' source, it expands outward from its'

middle, a red shift.

37. The further away it is, the greater the red shift, coming or going.

38. The energy required to operate a mechanism increases with velocity

while the available energy decreases.

39. There is nothing new here, it's all old stuff. You must get the old

stuff right before you can benefit from the new. D.MURPHY - HCEZJCIA

THE PHYSICISTS' BILL OF RIGHTS

(Author Unknown) We hold these postulates to be intuitively obvious,

that all physicists are born equal, to a first approximation, and are

endowed by their creator with certain discrete privileges, among them a

mean rest life, n degrees of freedom, and the following rights which are

invariant under all linear transformations:

1. To approximate all problems to ideal cases.

2. To use order of magnitude calculations whenever deemed necessary

(i.e. whenever one can get away with it).

3. To use the rigorous method of "squinting" for solving problems more

complex than the addition of positive real integers.

4. To dismiss all functions which diverge as "nasty" and "unphysical."

5. To invoke the uncertainty principle when confronted by confused

mathematicians, chemists, engineers, psychologists, dramatists, and

other lower scientists.

6. When pressed by non-physicists for an explanation of (4) to mumble in

a sneering tone of voice something about physically naive

mathematicians.

7. To equate two sides of an equation which are dimensionally

inconsistent, with a suitable comment to the effect of, "Well, we are

interested in the order of magnitude anyway."

8. To the extensive use of "bastard notations" where conventional

mathematics will not work.

9. To invent fictitious forces to delude the general public.

10. To justify shaky reasoning on the basis that it gives the right

answer.

11. To cleverly choose convenient initial conditions, using the

principle of general triviality.

12. To use plausible arguments in place of proofs, and thenceforth refer

to these arguments as proofs.

13. To take on faith any principle which seems right but cannot be

proved.

Electricity:

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical

lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your

hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you

notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This

teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never

use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical

lesson.

It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your

feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects

that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The

electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where

they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to

his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.

Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without

touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger

would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have

carpeting.

Physics Poems:

There was a young lady called Bright

Who could travel much faster than light.

She set out one day

In a relative way

And returned on the previous night.

Arthur Buller in Punch, 19 Dec. 1923

To her friends, that Miss Bright use to chatter,

"I have learned something new about matter,

My speed was so great

That is increased my weight;

Yet I failed to become any fatter."

Said Einstein, "I have an equation,"

"Which some might call Rabelaisian:"

"Let P be viginity,"

"Approaching infinity,"

"And let U be a constant, persuasion."

"Now, if P over U be inverted,"

"And the squareroot of U be inserted,"

"X times over P,"

"The result, Q.E.D."

"Is a relative." Einstein asserted.

Said a pupil of Einstein, "It's rotten

To find I'd completely forgotten

That by living so fast,

All my future's my past,

And I buried before I'm begotten.

The Meaning of Life Song

Just remember that your standing on a planet.

That's evolving and revolving at 900 miles an hour.

It's orbiting at 90 miles a second, so it's wrecked.

A sun that is the source of all our power.

The sun and you and me, and all the starts that we can see.

Are moving at a million miles a day.

In an outer-spiral arm at 40 thousand miles an hour.

Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way.

Our galaxy itself, contains a hundred billion stars.

It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.

It bulges in the middle, 16 thousand light years thick.

But out by us, it's just 3 thousand light years wide.

Were 30 thousand light years from galactic central point,

We go around every 200 million years.

And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions.

In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding.

In all of the directions it can whiz.

As fast as it can go -- the speed of light you know.

12 million miles a minute.

And that's the fastest speed there is.

So remember when your feeling very small and insecure.

How amazingly unlikely is your birth.

And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space.

Cause there's buggers-off down here on earth.

CHEMISTRY

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Acid -- better living through chemistry.

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All theoretical chemistry is really physics;

and all theoretical chemists know it. -- Richard P. Feynman

CP_________________________________________________________________________

Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!

C__________________________________________________________________________

methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-

ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-

phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-

taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-

glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-

nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-

minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-

cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-

leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-

cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-

lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-

sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-

cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-

nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-

nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-

partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-

glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-

valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-

cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-

nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-

rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-

glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-

sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-

lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-

glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:

The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a

1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.

-- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and

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Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry

is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams

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Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.

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From: tphillips@biosci.mbp.missouri.edu (Thomas E. Phillips)

Q:How many atoms in a guacamole?

A:Avocado's number.

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From: ericd@jubal.mdli.com (Eric Desch)

Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the

precipitate!

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From: Chris Morton (mortoncp@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu) do it collection

Chemical engineers do it in packed beds.

Chemists do it in test tubes.

Chemists do it in the fume hood.

Chemists do it periodically on table.

Chemists do it reactively.

Chemists like to experiment.

Electrochemists have greater potential.

From: skreyn@netcom.com (Veggie Boy = Sean K Reynolds)

Polymer chemists do it in chains.

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From: CLD@msc.com

PhD

/ \

| |

\ /

PhD Para - Doc's (can draw ortho - doc's as well)

HiHoAg hi ho silver!!!

From: dan.arico@wdn.com (Dan Arico)

CH3- _ _ _ _ - CH3

/ \/ \/ \/ \

| | | | |

\ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/

/ \ / \ / \ / \

| | | | |

CH3- \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/- CH3

Tetramethylchickenwire

From: bkd@christa.unh.edu (Brian K Dann)

o o o

H3C-CH2-CH2-O-/|\/|\/|\

| | |

/ \/ \/ \

A propyl people ether!

From: dan.arico@wdn.com (Dan Arico)

Fe - Fe

/ \

Fe Fe

\ /

Fe - Fe

Ferous Wheel

From: sppp@hippo.ru.ac.za (Peter Piacenza)

PhD

| PhD

/ \ /

| O |

\ /

Orthodox (ortho - Doc's)

--------

/ \

| O | Metaphysicians

\ /\ --------------

O O

---I---I-----O-C3H7 Propylpeople ether

I I ------------------

/\ /\

/ \ \

/ \

| O |__4

\ /

Metaphor (meta - 4)

From: nuke@netcom.com (Bill Newcomb)

O-R-NMe2

/ \ /\

/ \/ \

I O a 1-I-1-ORN-flying-propyl people ether

| (*stolen from A. Shusterman, with enhancements)

--|--

/ \

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From: a481@mindlink.bc.ca (J.D. Frazer)

What is this:

NaCl(aq) NaCl(aq)

C C C C C C C

Answer: (In a sing-song voice) "Saline, saline, over the seven C's"

From: Colin_Douthwaite@equinox.gen.nz (Colin Douthwaite)

/|\\

/ | \\

|| | |

|| / \ |

\/ \//

\ //

,o*^|*`?.

,8 | ?

8 | 8

8 / \ 8

`8 / \ d

`?._ _.o'

| -root@rivendel.com-

======

/ \

\\ //

\\____//

mercedes benzine??

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From: tomm@netcom.com (Tom Murray)

chemical formula:

HIJKLMNO

What is it? It's the formula for water.

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From: eridani@scn.org (Martha K. Koester)

Chemical formulas: (NH2CONH2)2 = diurea

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From: jay.freedman@pacsibm.org (Jay Freedman)

These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical

Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago:

It takes alkynes to make a world.

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From: jay.freedman@pacsibm.org (Jay Freedman)

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

From: bill.considine@execnet.com (BILL CONSIDINE) DeLuxe 1.1 #9385

Old chemists never die they just reach equilibrium

From: wmaya@csupomona.edu (Walter Maya)

Old chemists never die, they just smell that way.

From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes

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From: bgnosis@isca.uiowa.edu (Billy Gnosis)

What do you get when you cross buckminsterfullerene,

helicase, and ATP? Screwballs."

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From: lozinski@csugrad.cs.vt.edu (Joe Cool), Bobby H <bob@netxpress.com>

Man - A Chemical Analysis

Element : Man

Symbol : Ah (short for Arsehole)

Atomic Mass : Accepted as 70. May vary from 50-150 kg.

: Highly reactive at 150 or higher. (avoid at all costs)

Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length,

though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.

Discoverer : Eve

Occurance : Found following duel element Wo, often in high

concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties :

1) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).

2) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo

(Snore ... zzzzz).

3) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.

4) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.

5) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of

the Wo commom ore.

6) Tarnishes easily. Needs constant polishing and attention

7) Crusty exterior but may be soft underneath.

8) Naturally found in the crude state but may be purified

9) Simple in structure.

10)Often found in the gaseous state.

11)Spontaneous polarity changes relative to surrounding specimens.

Chemical properties :

1) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is

possible.

2) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely

favorable conditions.

3) Usually willing to react with what ever is available.

4) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existant to Pre-interaction effects

(which tend to turn the specimen bright red.

5) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.

6) Great affinity for fatty substances.

7) May react violently under pressure.

8) Low boiling point, high melting point.

9) Attraction to large quantities of iron.

10)Poorly bonds with other substances.

11)Pure substances are rarely found except when covalently bonded.

Storage : Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate,

25-35 for favorable reaction style.

Uses : Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night,

general repairs, free dinners for Wo...

Tests :

1) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted

specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

2) Appearance greatly improves when placed in a sports car.

3) Easily titrates to yellow under stress.

4) Never true blue.

Caution : Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with

reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable

under correct conditions.

Woman - A Chemical Analysis

Element : Woman

Symbol : WO

Atomic Weight : Accepted as 59, but known to vary 50-88.

Discoverer : Adam

Occurance : Copious quantities in all Urban areas,

with slighlty lower concentrations in

Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to

seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties

1) Surface usually covered with sticks painted film.

2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.

3) Melts if given special treatment.

4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!

5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

7) Undergoes inpredicatable spontaneous dehydrolyses (weeps).

Chemical Properties :

1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious

Stones.

2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.

4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in

alcohol to a certain point.

5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.

6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses : Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

Can greatly improve relaxation levels.

Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.

Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests : Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered

in natural state.

Turns green when placed beside a better

specimen.

Caution : 1) Highly dangerous except in experienced

hands. Use extreme care when handling.

2) Illegal to possess more than one.

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There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his

medicine and died of an overdose.

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From: peabody@wam.umd.edu (Doctor Soran)

Go skiing in Tellurium, Colorado

Stanley Cupric's "Full Metal Jacket"

The Uranium Songs:

"I Get a Kick out of U" (Cole Porter)

"I Can't Stay Away from U" (Gloria Estefan)

Movie:

"I Was a Teenage Werewolfram"

Miscellaneus:

The Baltic states of Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania along with the

Cobaltic States of Germany, Poland, Sweden, and Finland

June 6, 1944 was the radon Normandy.

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From: bgnosis@isca.uiowa.edu (Billy Gnosis)

Q:What does what does the Lone Ranger say to his horse?

A:HIOAg, away!

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From: ts@uwasa.fi (Timo Salmi)

Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.

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From: kkociba@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Keith J Kociba)

Chemists are the *cleanest* people you'll ever meet...

they wash their hands even *before* they go to the restroom!

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From: a94petbe@ida.his.se (Peter Bengtsson)

Chemistry is really funny, there are even people

who laugh at Nitrogen(I)Oxide.

(You will have to know some chemistry to understand this :-)

From: cgra@se.alcbel.be (Chris Gray)

Or Nitrogen Triiodide???

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From: wmoon@jupiter.uucp (Woo Moon)

Q:What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?

A:You can't make a vitamin....

(take your time..)

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From: "Lev A. Gorenstein" <lev@cv4.chem.purdue.edu>

Anyway, I think this is a good idea. Here's my contribution. These are

"crazy phrases" from some works on several Moscow city and regional

high-school chemistry olympiads (I've been a member of the Organizing

Committee for them for a number of years and I really miss this now). By

the way, if anybody knows about similar things here in the US (and

Indiana in particular) - I will be gratefull.

Unfortunately, all of these citations are in Russian (obviously ;-) and,

what is much worse, most of them are unexpected (for their authors) puns,

which are impossible (at least for me) to translate (some of these puns

were just great, all the Orginizing Committee was rolling on the floor

in tears ;-). I found only several phrases allowing translation (not

best pearls, unfortunately...):

[For the question: "Why H2S is a poison for us?"] :

"H2S reacts with the iron in hemoglobin, forming an insoluble FeS, thus

causing the oxygen deficiency" (there were some variants like Fe2S,

Fe2S3, Fe2S2... But - isn't it a good idea, especially taking into

account that it was in the work of a 13 years old guy?)

[for the question: "Why lead compounds are poisons for us?"] :

a) "Lead ions make sugar in the blood poisoned"

b) "After Pb2+ gets in the stomach, since there is the Cl- in the stomach

juice, the reaction Pb2+ + 2Cl- ---> PbCl2 (s) occurs, and the unsoluble

PbCl2 precipitates into the stomach, thus distorting food digestion"

"Also the produced hydrogen is a gas with nasty smell"

[At the end of the work] : "Damn, done!"

"When AgNO3 reacts with NH4Cl, there forms the precipitate kind of white

and Ag salt" (Everywhere I tried to translate it equivalently to it's

Russian prototype, saving the grammar mistakes and style ;-)

[For the problem "Find mistakes in the following procedure of preparation

of diluted H2SO4: .... "] :

a) For preparation of diluted (strictly - solution) sulfuric acid one

must not use concentrated H2SO4.

b) There is no such thing as "volumetric flask"

c) The mixture of ice and table salt DOESN'T EXIST!

"Ice and NaCl mixture? Crap! The ice would momentarily melt because of

NaCl!"

"To the sulfuric acid one must add water, but not water to sulfuric acid"

[The following was on the VERY weak work (it happened that the teacher

said to pupils : "You won't get a good grade unless you go to the

olympiads" and sometimes there was just a bunch of people who were not

interested in chemistry and had came only "to be marked good" in

teacher's eyes). They were starving there, because they were unable to

solve any problem, they couldn't leave because of a teacher, and they had

to entertain themselves. But how? Probably the oldest way to entertain

oneself is to write something nasty to somebody else (also proved by

recent anonymous posting about grad. schools ;-). Ok, enough theory,

I explained the joke, you may start laughing here :-) Okh, one more

explanation: "pud" is an old Russian wieght unit, equals 16 kg:

"Don't have enough sake to find the mass % without calculator. That is

why:

It's better eat a "pud" of shit,

Than solve your chemistry, damn it!"

(this was rhymed! We thought about making this verse an unofficial

slogan of our Committee ;-)

Will check in my books about any funny chem. experiments.

Regards to all, would like to see other responces.

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From: gardner@sun.lclark.edu (Gillian Gardner)

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

A: They're cheaper than day rates.

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From: jpauer@mtu.edu (JAMES PAUER)

First law of Laboratorics: Hot glass and cold glass look alike!

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From: jpark@eis.calstate.edu (John Park)

From: flatter@rose-hulman.edu (Neil Flatter)

What does one do with a dead body? Barium

They should have seen the doctor first, he'd Curium.

Perhaps with a housplant, a Germanium.

And if they stole it, the police would Cesium.

Locked up for life, in Irons.

They would go crazy in jail, a Silicon.

Maybe their into plastic surgery.

What does the surgeon do for low cheeks, Lithium.

To large gashes? Sodium.

Tooth in water glass is a one molar soln.

Like BaNa2, name IOAg. I O Silver.

Rabbit like paired electrons on an ether, ether bunny.

And your aunt Ester and her husband Al K Hall.

From: nuke@netcom.com (Bill Newcomb)

With music by Al D. Hyde and the Ace Tones...

Where does one put the dishes? Zinc

What does one do if one can't zwim? Zinc

Name BaNa2. banana

Draw a 1,4 compound of benzene with two dice. Name it. Paradice

Also done w/ MD for paramedic

Done as 1,2 w/ DDS for orthodontist.

1,3 and physics, metaphysics.

Draw benzene with a Mercedes symbol single bonded to the uppermost

carbon. Name it. Mercedes benzene.

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From: bill.considine@execnet.com (BILL CONSIDINE) From C&E News (1/9/95 p.48):

What's a cation afraid of? A dogion!

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From: naight@MCS.COM (Nathan Parker)

Remember that without t Chemistry, Nothing would exist!

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From: lanzi@inland.com

Q:What do you get when you combine [insert a person] with O2?

A:Oxymoron

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From: http://www.circus.com/~no_dhmo/

BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! THE INVISIBLE KILLER

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills

uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are

caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen

monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes

severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive

sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea,

vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become

dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid

rain.

* contributes to the "greenhouse effect."

* may cause severe burns.

* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of

automobile brakes.

* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every

stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is

global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In

the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property

damage.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

* as an industrial solvent and coolant.

* in nuclear power plants.

* in the production of styrofoam.

* as a fire retardant.

* in many forms of cruel animal research.

* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce

remains contaminated by this chemical.

* as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can

be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact

on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production,

distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance

to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other

military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and

designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it

during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities

receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground

distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this

dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you and others

throughout the world. Send email to no_dhmo@circus.com, or a SASE to:

Coalition to Ban DHMO

211 Pearl St.

Santa Cruz CA, 95060

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From: Brian McClain <briguy@ecst.csuchico.edu>

How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker?

None. That's what organic chemists are for!

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From: kab4242@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu (Kevin Anthony Boudreaux)

It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked

in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue.

--quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)

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From: pkenny@titan.oit.umass.edu (Patrick M Kenny)

Black Angus : Black Angus

Black Angus : Texas Longhorn

Black Angus : Brown Swiss

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Homogeneous Catalyst : Heterogeneous Catalyst

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From: Erin Leonard (not:Mariella Wells) Merit <wellsm@hsdemo.merit.edu>

Cartoon:

(A man and a woman are sitting at a bar. One has a shirt saying 'Polar',

the other, 'Non-polar.') Man: Sorry babe, I just don't think the

chemistry is right.

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From: mykestan@csu.murdoch.edu.au (Myke Stanbridge)

Q:What is the most chaste organic compound?

A:Why, hexanitrosobenzene of course!

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From: (fortunes)

Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her

husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my

joules!"

"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux

a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."

"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them

in my burette ... We must call a copper."

Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,

said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name

of Lawrence Ium.

"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and

dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can

catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an

activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...

-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"

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Physical Chemistry is research on everything for which the negative

logaritm is linear with 1/T -- D.L. Bunker

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From: arpepper@math.uwaterloo.ca (Adrian Pepper)

An Ironman Triathlon consists of a 2.4mile swim, a 112mile bicycle ride,

and a full marathon run (26 miles, 385 yards).

A Half-Ironman Triathlon consists of a 1.2mile swim, a 56mile bicycle ride,

and a half marathon run (13 miles, 192 yards, one foot, six inches).

Since Iron has atomic number 26, and alumin[i]um atomic number 13,

would it be appropriate to describe Half-Ironman events as "Alumin[i]um

Man" events?

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From: mpark@kean.ucs.mun.ca (Murray)

Ok, here's one of my own...I ususally don't say anything quotable,

but a couple of my lab-mates thought this was pretty funny at the time...

Set up the quote: I am a synthetic inorganic chemistry student a Memorial

University of Newfoundland, St. John's, Newfoundland, Canada. Our research

group attempts to make interesting magnetic materials...not facile. After

a full week of null results at the bench, I had just found that my most

recent experiment had gone bust when a friend of mine walked in, finding

me scratching my head in bewilderment. With tinted bottles of solvents and

chemicals all around me, I just turned to him and said,

"All of these pretty little brown bottles surround me...and NOT A

SINGLE ONE OF THEM is filled with BEER."

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From: Martin Ystenes <ystenes@kjemi.unit.no>

This reminds me of a story of two students who wanted to celebrate the

long and light summer evening by fishing in their boat in the Norwegian

fjord. But first they went to the lab, grabbed a bottle with the

magic label 96%, and set off. After some time, the one said to

the other:

- I am afraid we have done something wrong. This is not ethanol,

it is sulphuric acid.

- I know. I have just peed a hole in he boat.

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From: CJHEMMIN@SCIENCE.uwaterloo.ca (Christopher Hemming)

Q: How many physical chemists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but he'll change it three times, plot a straight line through

the data, and then extrapolate to zero concentration.

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From: fc3a501@AMRISC04.math.uni-hamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann)

How do you make a 24(??)-molar solution?

Put you artificial teeth in water.

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From: pclarke@waite.adelaide.edu.au (Philip Clarke)

Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?

A: Methylated Spirits....

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From: "\"Alan \\\"Uncle Al\\\" Schwartz\"" <uncleal0@ix.netcom.com>

What do you call a fruit which is 97% ascorbic acid? A Pauling.